CHRISTIANITY AND GAY TALK
Many of my friends and I have noticed the difficulty of the dialogue between the language of Christianity and the experience of the gay person. I have many straight Christian friends who don’t understand the reaction they get when talking to gays. The straight Christian says something “in the name of love” and all the gay hears is “hate” and BAM the walls go up. The gay brother or sister says something about their lover to the straight Christian and BAM the walls go up. Hum—it would appear that we have a impasse, and one that most churches are not doing anything about. Many people say they “love” but all they communicate and all that is heard is “hate” or “judgment”, this leads to alienation—language can create a total disconnect, making it as if you are talking to someone from another world. I am going state the most common “hurtful” and alienating language, then respond from a gay point of view (NOT that there is “one” single view—just some common thoughts). Please note that I’m not trying to argue theology or biblical studies in this document (I do have other rather expansive documents that discusses the Biblical support for gays if you want to read those!), herein I’m simply trying to help understanding of why the Christian-language is so often alienating to many gays.
7 ALIENATING PHRASES!
1. “Love the sinner, hate the sin”
Variations: “ I love you unconditionally, I just don’t agree with your life style,” “ I love you, but I don’t support your life style” “I love you, but you need to know that I don’t believe in homosexuality,” “God loves you even though you are a sinner,” etc
Here’s the problems.
a. First: you’ve qualified your love. That’s not unconditional. Do you qualify your love for others you speak to: to the proud son do you say , “I love you son, but hate your pride” or to the person of a different political view, “I love you, but hate that you’re a democrat” or to the friend who is a girl “I love you, but wish you were a boy, but since you’re a girl we cannot hang out.” More profoundly, the qualification is seen as a hate toward something the person cannot change, it’s like hating that a person is a girl or boy, black or white.
b. Second: the view that homosexuality itself is a sin. That will always be a problem in Christian language. I would remind you that there are less homosexual acts listed as “sin” than there are heterosexual acts that are listed as “sin.” I would also argue that homosexuality itself is NOT a sin. Selah. Hum… Ok…so you see already, the fruit of many persons’ “love” will start an agreement about the “terms” of that love, and the judgment of its qualification. No longer will the conversation be about “love” it will be about the “hate” or the definition of “sin.”
2. “Homosexuality is a choice”
Variations: “have you tried to not to be gay?”; “have you tried to be heterosexual?”; “have your tried to choice what Christ believes you to be instead of what the world says you are?”; “You need to believe the Truth of who you are in Christ, not your old man nature”; “you should try seeing yourself as a heterosexual and realize that being homosexual is a lie”; “choose to be celibate”
(this argument is echoed in X Man, when Iceman came “out” as a mutant to his mother and father, and the mother asked “have you tried not being a mutant?” Boy did I laugh!)
Here’s the problems
a. Homosexuality is not a choice. If you use choice language you will alienate anyone who believes there are “born” this way—which is most gays. Most gays believe that they are gay because of the way they are born. Most gays will say they are not made “gay” by culture or by recruitment and are certainly not “gay” by choice: any more than straights “choose” heterosexuality, or Caucasians choose to be white, or Africans to be black or brown, etc. It is simply the way you are born. To argue against the way they “are” causes a fundamental crisis of identity, and challenges something that is fundamental to the person’s being. Using “choice” language only increases the duress.
b. Homosexuality itself is not an “old man” “fallen” behavior. It is a natural behavior and orientation which occurs in other places in nature. Selah. If you argue against this you have come to an impasse and will only succeed at alienation.
c. On the flip side. We cannot choose our sexuality, but we do choose how we realize our sexuality with integrity. Most people cannot be “celibate” (St. Paul says only the very few have that “gift”), don’t expect the gay population to be any more celibate than the heterosexual population. Don’t require of gays what you don’t require of straights. Trying to “contain” or “restrain” homosexual ‘behavior’ only increases its lack of control. Gays should be encouraged to have healthy relationships as they grow up as much as other kids discovering their sexual identity—and with as much grace. When you try to make gays be celibate or “straight”, what you produce is a system of failure that will only increase the guilt and shame, and at times create duel lives in those “trying” to be “good.” You create a system that encourages lying, subterfuge, and “seduction,” those gays who “try to choose” to be straight will often only fail, repent, fail, repent… and enter into a cycle of failure the ends up driving the person into a divided state of being.
i. Christianity too often produces the “sinners” they condemn.
The idea of “choice” leads only to failure. It encourages a false process and has gay men getting married only to find themselves unable to sustain the “choice” they have made. The result is that there are many many gay men who tried to be Christian by getting “married” and “choosing” for Christ. They are told this is the righteous choice, and the right choice and they “choose” to live a lie in the name of truth. As a result the gay person many times live a divided life, a half-life, or lives a lie, and a few divorce in order to try to live more integrally (though they are judged as “choosing wrongly.”). The language of “Choice” is one of the great sins of the Church parlays against homosexuals and families.
3. “God can heal your homosexuality”
Variations: “have you prayed about it?” “I’ll pray for you to overcome this,” “God can help you overcome this,” “Have you fasted?” “come to the healing rooms, you just need to be washed with God’s love,” “tell me about your father,” “have you gone to Exodus International, there are a lot of people who have overcome homosexuality,” “You know I have a friend who overcame their homosexuality, you can too!” “Your gay because you were molested, so if you just get healed from that you’ll overcome your homosexuality,” “God can deliver you from this” “isn’t God able to do anything?...so he can help you with this!” ‘with God anything is possible”
This is especially cruel to say to a gay person. Because the truth of the matter is God doesn’t heal or deliver people from being gay. Oh, there are a very few that say that God has, and many many more who said “God healed me!” only to fall back into “homosexuality.” Most gays who are or were Christian, prayed, cried, tried not to be, fasted, counseled, and “believed” in God: only to wake up the next morning—gay. You cannot heal homosexuality, it is not a sickness, it is not a possession of evil. Anytime you use this phrase or its variations you are only condemning them to failure. God can do anything…but doesn’t. Well, if you follow that line of thought it only leads to a very cruel God: for if God CAN heal gays and DOESN’T heal gays of something that you perceive is destroying a life and that of a families… what a cruel God. So, I hope you can see how wrong and evil this statement is to make to a gay person. You can drive a wedge between them and God with your hopeful words.
4. He/She says, “I’m gay,”: you say, “I’m sorry!”
Homosexuality is not something to mourn; it should be celebrated as much as our heterosexuality. We should celebrate their first boyfriends/girlfriends. Their first kiss, the first time they held hands, etc.. We should be able to talk about what they “like” and who is “cute.” We should encourage everyone to find heroes and mentors that help gays live a good gay life. I’m not saying that we have to parade about, but if you want to, sure…parade as much as straights parade. Kissing or holding hands in public should be as qualified or as “appropriately” done as it is for straights. Currently, most gays would be judged as “pushing it in our faces” if they showed public displays of affection—this is inconstant and hypocritical: are straights pushing heterosexuality “in our faces” when they hold hands in public?
5. “Quit pushing your homosexuality in our faces”
Variations: “every time we get together you talk about being gay…” “I don’t want to hear again about your gay boyfriend, cann’t we talk about something else!” “I don’t want to hear what you think the Bible says in support of gays” “I don’t want to hear about what you did last night”
I’m going to repeat response 4: I’m not saying that we have to parade about, but if you want to, sure…parade as much as straights parade. Kissing or holding hands in public should be as qualified or as “appropriately” done as it is for straights. Currently, most gays would be judged as “pushing it in our faces” if they showed public displays of affection—this is inconstant and hypocritical: are straights pushing heterosexuality “in our faces” when they hold hands in public? All humans talk about those people they love, their friends, their successes, their struggles, if you cannot talk about a gay persons loved one, then this is a problem not with them “pushing it in your face” but with the fact that you don’t actually accept their life. If you cannot celebrate a person’s successes and struggles, loves and heart-breaks, you aren’t really a close friend—you’re just an acquaintance. It is a great sorrow when a gay person cannot share significant successes and advances in life with a friend who sees such as a life as “sinful.”
Telling Story: When a person first comes out, there is a life time of thoughts, feelings and experiences they have to share: and a new world to discover. At first they will talk about it, share it, and explore its truths and realities. This is the most important time for you to be involved in the discussion (with NO judgment). This is when gays will find out what they will or will not do—like a teenager discovering the world. They need to talk about it… encourage them and you can be part of a powerful process and redefinition of life. You can be an advocate of a very important change for a new integrated and authentic person. But if you are going to “judge” what they share—or share it with shame, then they will not tell you and you will not be part of one of the most important changes in their life…and possibly not part of their life afterward (for you weren’t there when they really needed you).
6. “Just give me some space! I just need some time to deal with you being gay”
“I cried when I heard you were gay, so just let me heal before we talk about it”, “I cannot believe it, you cannot be gay” “just let me think about it for a while, then we will talk” “Can’t we just be friends like we were before?” “I don’t want to talk about it, just leave me alone” “please don’t tell my friends (family members) your gay…I don’t want them to judge you”
Shame. Are you ashamed of your gay friend? Well, that’s going to only hurt you both. They are not going to feel comfortable with your family, and everyone is going to be oversensitive to things that appear or come across as “too gay.” So you will all behave falsely and things will become strained and fake. Not a good foundation for any relationship or true public interchange.
Hurt. You feel “hurt” by the confession of homosexuality. Ok…so you need time to deal with the shock. But while you deal with it, they are dying, afraid and alone. I’d get over yourself quick and be a friend as soon as possible. Most gays fear coming out to their family and friends because the most common reaction is rejection. Your silence and “getting over it” will many times simply be understood as another form of rejection. In truth, the “World” is much MUCH better at loving gays through the transition the most Christians I know. Most Christians are too “shocked” “hurt” “betrayed” and biblically conflicted to be helpful, and usually have been more hurtful—saying the things I’ve listed herein. Many Christians are so busy being “righteous” that they forget that the first rule of Christianity is love, even self sacrificing love.
The sad truth of the matter is that most gays find they lose most of their fundamentalist Christian friends. Many gays lose their friends during this time because they no longer “relate” or they are “distanced” from them during the most important part of their life. Some Christians “distance” themselves from the openly gay people because of “guilt by association,” even if they think being gay is “ok” …. Frankly that is seen as a fair weather friend.
7. Straight Christian says, “Why am I the one who is made out to be wrong, why do I have to change the way I talk?”
Variations from Christians: “Why do I have to apologize for what I said, I’m also hurt” “Can’ they see that they are hurting me, that I feel betrayed by their lie” “Can’t they give me the same grace they expect from me?” “Why do I have to change? They are the ones that lied about being straight” “Don’t I have the right to an opinion?”
Hum, you could also ask “Why did Jesus have to die for me?” It’s the true Christ-like thing to do.
When Christians speak they speak from a position of privilege and power. Many times it has be Christians who have oppressed gays and judged them as “sinners” and “hell bound.” This means Christianity has some extra work to do to overcome what has been historically a position of great harm and cruelty. It is Christians that have burned gays at the stake, Christians that have told society to hate gays, fear gays, not trust gays, and who say being gay is a sin, sickness, evil, possession. It is the Christian’s interpretation of the Law that denies gay-rights, that teaches that homosexuality is a danger to the family, and is a perversion and aberrant behavior. For these reasons, Christians should change their language and understand that it will take twice as much work to overcome the hurts gays have suffered. That gays strike back is not a surprise, it is their very life they are fighting for, not just doctrine or dogma.
There are more phrases…and perhaps those reading can add some they have come against or have been hurt by, and let us also mention those that have been helpful!
“I love you, always and forever!”
"God loves you and says you are wonderously made"
“Tell me what you have been going through”
“What can we celebrate?”
“Can you introduce me to your friends?
“So, how can I support you during this time?”
“Hey, when can we hang out? The place is your choice!”
